Yeah. Right. I'm going to do it all at once! Then I can be grumpy and ungrateful the rest of the month. ha.
1. Yesterday was my husband's birthday and I'm thankful he's another year older.
2. Our 5 beautiful children.
3. Our home. We were very blessed to move where we live now -- our home is perfect for our family and so is our neighborhood and church family.
4. I'm really, REALLY thankful I was accepted into the nursing program at my university. I start in January and have a ton to do before then.
5. I'm thankful for my Savior, Heavenly Father, the Holy Spirit, and their glorious gospel.
6. I'm thankful for good friends, too.
7. Exercise. I am not as consistent as I need to be right now, but it has improved my health a lot just over the last few months, and I feel better when I do it.
8. The internet. I can stay connected to friends and family who are far away, take a quiz or exam, or watch stupid movies while I work on #9.
9. Yarn crafts -- crocheting specifically at the moment. I was able to finish a baby blanket for the school's annual fundraiser auction, and it took all of my volunteer hours for the year, so yay.
10. My mother and her beautiful voice. I miss hearing her sing, but I was able to listen to her sing while she conducted music at my niece's baptism yesterday.
11. My family of origin and my husband's family of origin as well. We may not always get along, but love is always there.
12. Modern medicine and "other" medicine, including essential oils. They each have their place and role in our society today. (and trust me, I'm a skeptic about a lot of things, but have seen some amazing things with the oils recently!)
13. Modern appliances!
14. Two functioning vehicles. They are both older (1995 and 1999) but they are paid for and they run well.
15. A good mechanic. Because even though they run well, the cars are still old and still need things fixed here and there.
16. Good therapists. I just cannot emphasize this one enough. haha!
17. Food.
18. That I can cook a variety of dishes, and most of the time, do it well.
19. My children love each other, even when they drive each other crazy.
20. The new gas cap for the van was only $7.43.
21. amazon.com. Prime instant video and free shipping!
22. ICE. I drink a lot of water, but only if I have ice. (and I just dumped a 32-ounce cup of ice water all over my room ... hahahahahaha. still thankful for ice!)
23. An understanding teacher who said he would still let me take the quiz after the deadline because I missed it over the weekend. (I was not the only one.)
24. A working oven. I popped dinner in the oven and walked away ... it smells good. (Yes, I am hungry while typing this post. Why do you ask?)
25. Every one of the speed bumps and obstacles we've hit this year, because we have learned something from them.
26. Hope.
27. Inner peace.
28. Love.
29. Joy.
30. Enthusiasm.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
A little gratitude
I saw a picture of a friend today. As I was looking at this picture, I thought about how absolutely in love she and her husband are. They are so cute together, so much in love. He finds her incredibly sexy and adores her to no end. And you know what? He's right. But she is so much more than that. She is a fantastic mother, a fabulous friend, loving and generous and kind and feisty and wonderful in so many ways. Her worth is far greater than existing to make someone else desire her.
My friend and I are similar sizes. We do not fit society's picture perfect mold. We have stretch marks and scars and carry more weight than perhaps we should. And we both have worth far beyond our physical bodies or other people's opinions of us.
Society would have us believe otherwise, that there is only one version of sexy, one version of a woman who is "worth" being, one 2-dimensional version of a person "worth" having. Society would also have us believe that our only worth lies in the fact that another person finds us attractive. You see it in magazines, on TV, all over the internet. If you're bigger than __ or weigh more than __, you don't belong. You have little to no worth. You *might* be considered the funny sidekick, but you are never entitled to have your own love story or life. It is all about society's ideal.
While I was looking at her picture and pondering (in a non-creepy non-stalker way, I promise) how much her husband loves her, it hit me like a ton of bricks: My husband loves me just as much. He does find me sexy. He chose me. He wants to be with me and wants to hang out with me. He still chooses me, day in and day out. We have been through a whole lot the last few years, but especially the last year. And we keep choosing each other. Neither of us is perfect. Not even close. But we are both amazing, in so many ways.
Last night, around 6:30 p.m., I was slammed with an incredibly painful migraine -- sparkly visual auras, nausea and vomiting, and lots and lots of pain. (It's 1:30 p.m. as I'm typing this and I'm still in pain. Not a fun day.) It did not respond to any pain medication or antiemetic. My sweetheart stopped what he was doing and took care of me and our children. He put the kids to bed and went to the store at midnight and bought ginger ale and saltines (which is all I kept down until late this morning). He brought me a cool wet cloth for my head. He checked on me and the kids in the night to make sure they were in their own beds and letting me sleep as peacefully as possible without little knees and elbows injuring my aching body. Today, he made sure the kids got breakfast and lunch and brought me food, too. He laid in bed and cuddled and talked quietly with me while I rested.
His worth is so much more than what society might see in him. I see a loving father and a caring husband who is trying his best to provide for and care for us in this moment. I see a man who wants to be better and is doing more and trying harder every day to make that happen. I see a man who is amazing, in so many ways, and I'm thankful he is mine.
My friend and I are similar sizes. We do not fit society's picture perfect mold. We have stretch marks and scars and carry more weight than perhaps we should. And we both have worth far beyond our physical bodies or other people's opinions of us.
Society would have us believe otherwise, that there is only one version of sexy, one version of a woman who is "worth" being, one 2-dimensional version of a person "worth" having. Society would also have us believe that our only worth lies in the fact that another person finds us attractive. You see it in magazines, on TV, all over the internet. If you're bigger than __ or weigh more than __, you don't belong. You have little to no worth. You *might* be considered the funny sidekick, but you are never entitled to have your own love story or life. It is all about society's ideal.
While I was looking at her picture and pondering (in a non-creepy non-stalker way, I promise) how much her husband loves her, it hit me like a ton of bricks: My husband loves me just as much. He does find me sexy. He chose me. He wants to be with me and wants to hang out with me. He still chooses me, day in and day out. We have been through a whole lot the last few years, but especially the last year. And we keep choosing each other. Neither of us is perfect. Not even close. But we are both amazing, in so many ways.
Last night, around 6:30 p.m., I was slammed with an incredibly painful migraine -- sparkly visual auras, nausea and vomiting, and lots and lots of pain. (It's 1:30 p.m. as I'm typing this and I'm still in pain. Not a fun day.) It did not respond to any pain medication or antiemetic. My sweetheart stopped what he was doing and took care of me and our children. He put the kids to bed and went to the store at midnight and bought ginger ale and saltines (which is all I kept down until late this morning). He brought me a cool wet cloth for my head. He checked on me and the kids in the night to make sure they were in their own beds and letting me sleep as peacefully as possible without little knees and elbows injuring my aching body. Today, he made sure the kids got breakfast and lunch and brought me food, too. He laid in bed and cuddled and talked quietly with me while I rested.
His worth is so much more than what society might see in him. I see a loving father and a caring husband who is trying his best to provide for and care for us in this moment. I see a man who wants to be better and is doing more and trying harder every day to make that happen. I see a man who is amazing, in so many ways, and I'm thankful he is mine.
Monday, October 14, 2013
My new favorite lip product
My lips crack and chap and peel and bleed every fall and winter. I've tried a ton of products, ranging from all natural to full of chemicals.
This one is, hands down, the best. It is thick without being sticky. I have been using it for a bit over a week, and my lips have stopped cracking and are no longer bleeding. They are soft even when I'm not wearing it, though I'm still using it a few times a day to make sure they stay healthy.
Totally worth the price.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
The effects of stress
A bit over a month ago, I posted a status on Facebook that tallied up how much I'd lifted that day. I had just finished the first stage of the New Rules of Lifting for Women, and I was extremely proud of myself and felt really good about what I'd done. I was feeling very strong and was ready to move onto the next stage and keep going, building strength and health.
And then I let someone else's statements and opinions and emotional upheaval affect how I felt. This person posted body shaming statements on my celebratory post, and when I objected, it did not go over very well. It was a very stressful weekend.
I am only posting about that because I let that incident affect me far more than it should have. And the entire episode was very eye opening.
In the weeks after that happened, I was working on my health class assignments and came across some research that showed stress and emotional abuse lower the body's immune system and ability to recover. As I reflected on that chapter, the incident I mentioned, and what was happening with my body at that time, I found the correlation to be very interesting.
I had been very sick with two different, pretty severe illnesses. I was too sick to walk across campus, so I missed over a week of school. I fought a 2-week-long depressive episode. I do suffer from depression and have had postpartum depression after each of my babies. This time was the easiest time I've had with it, but still these episodes occur at times. I consider myself lucky that this particular episode was only a couple of weeks. I found it hard to focus. At home, I fell down the stairs, wrenching my back and injuring my right foot and ankle. I dropped a padlock on my right foot, and also dropped a jar which shattered in the sink. I then sliced my finger open and did some other clumsy things. (And no, Mom, I'm not pregnant.)
During the same time, I was working with my therapist on the emotional things and have gotten myself to a much better place, but I was not working out or exercising regularly. I had gone to the gym about once a week, much less than I had been doing, and I had not made any progress with my lifting. In fact, when I went to lift today, I found that I am much weaker than I was 5 weeks ago. My balance is worse than it was 5 weeks ago. None of it is back to where I was in the spring before I started working out, but I have had obvious strength losses. On the other hand, I can run now, and that's something I couldn't do in the spring, so it is also obvious I haven't lost all of my gains!
Also at the gym today, I discovered I don't love some of the exercises in stage 2 of the New rules book, so I'll be mixing it up with stage 1 a bit longer, because it's more important that I love what I'm doing than following that exercise routine to a T. If I don't love it, I won't do it. And I'm so glad I know that about myself.
So I am back. My family and I are committed to my health. My husband and teen help with the little kids while I am at the gym, and we've all had a discussion about why this is important to me. I cannot control what other people do or say, but I can work on changing how I respond to people, and I get to choose how much I allow certain people into my life. While I am the only one who kept me from going to the gym and the only one who can get me back to the gym tomorrow and the day after that, the genuine loving support from my husband and children and other loved ones has really been encouraging and motivating. I am *loving* the fact that I can run my intervals now, and I will be killing those squats and deadlifts again before I know it.
And then I let someone else's statements and opinions and emotional upheaval affect how I felt. This person posted body shaming statements on my celebratory post, and when I objected, it did not go over very well. It was a very stressful weekend.
I am only posting about that because I let that incident affect me far more than it should have. And the entire episode was very eye opening.
In the weeks after that happened, I was working on my health class assignments and came across some research that showed stress and emotional abuse lower the body's immune system and ability to recover. As I reflected on that chapter, the incident I mentioned, and what was happening with my body at that time, I found the correlation to be very interesting.
I had been very sick with two different, pretty severe illnesses. I was too sick to walk across campus, so I missed over a week of school. I fought a 2-week-long depressive episode. I do suffer from depression and have had postpartum depression after each of my babies. This time was the easiest time I've had with it, but still these episodes occur at times. I consider myself lucky that this particular episode was only a couple of weeks. I found it hard to focus. At home, I fell down the stairs, wrenching my back and injuring my right foot and ankle. I dropped a padlock on my right foot, and also dropped a jar which shattered in the sink. I then sliced my finger open and did some other clumsy things. (And no, Mom, I'm not pregnant.)
During the same time, I was working with my therapist on the emotional things and have gotten myself to a much better place, but I was not working out or exercising regularly. I had gone to the gym about once a week, much less than I had been doing, and I had not made any progress with my lifting. In fact, when I went to lift today, I found that I am much weaker than I was 5 weeks ago. My balance is worse than it was 5 weeks ago. None of it is back to where I was in the spring before I started working out, but I have had obvious strength losses. On the other hand, I can run now, and that's something I couldn't do in the spring, so it is also obvious I haven't lost all of my gains!
Also at the gym today, I discovered I don't love some of the exercises in stage 2 of the New rules book, so I'll be mixing it up with stage 1 a bit longer, because it's more important that I love what I'm doing than following that exercise routine to a T. If I don't love it, I won't do it. And I'm so glad I know that about myself.
So I am back. My family and I are committed to my health. My husband and teen help with the little kids while I am at the gym, and we've all had a discussion about why this is important to me. I cannot control what other people do or say, but I can work on changing how I respond to people, and I get to choose how much I allow certain people into my life. While I am the only one who kept me from going to the gym and the only one who can get me back to the gym tomorrow and the day after that, the genuine loving support from my husband and children and other loved ones has really been encouraging and motivating. I am *loving* the fact that I can run my intervals now, and I will be killing those squats and deadlifts again before I know it.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sometimes, I still don't quite get it right
It's been interesting the last few weeks. Taking a facebook break was good. I did go back to facebook because the crafting forum which I used to moderate was hacked, so I wanted to make sure the admin knew ... and have stayed for the time being. That's not really owning me, but!!
At the same time, I have been able to deal more fully with other issues and handle things of greater importance to me. My house is a bit cleaner, I've let myself rest and recover from a nasty cold without feeling guilty, and VOD and I have made some progress in our relationship.
On the subject of not owning one's own issues or saying something mean on the internet, I have done both of those things in the last month. Sigh. Sometimes ... this stuff happens.
I did manage to do something nice, too.
Being in school, sometimes I'm in a major hurry to get to the kids or grab a bite to eat so I don't wreck the car or something, and I don't always plan ahead. So one day, I was headed to a fast food place and this little car cut me off. Now, I'm sure there have been other times when I got mad, but what happened next was pretty great.
Somehow, *I* got in front of *them* in the drive up.
Karma, right?
Yeah, it made me giggle.
And then I paid for their lunch.
They stopped me from leaving the driveway and thanked me profusely for making their day.
I could have held onto the bad feelings from being cut off, or called them names, or whatever. But doing a little service for those girls helped me let go of how I was feeling right then, and it made their day, too. Because, let's face it, pretty much every driver has cut somebody off before, and it's not always intentional. Sometimes we don't know we've done it, just like sometimes we don't know we're mean or how someone else has perceived our words or actions. Taking a few dollars and helping a couple of other people that day really changed my perspective.
Sometimes, I get it right, too.
At the same time, I have been able to deal more fully with other issues and handle things of greater importance to me. My house is a bit cleaner, I've let myself rest and recover from a nasty cold without feeling guilty, and VOD and I have made some progress in our relationship.
On the subject of not owning one's own issues or saying something mean on the internet, I have done both of those things in the last month. Sigh. Sometimes ... this stuff happens.
I did manage to do something nice, too.
Being in school, sometimes I'm in a major hurry to get to the kids or grab a bite to eat so I don't wreck the car or something, and I don't always plan ahead. So one day, I was headed to a fast food place and this little car cut me off. Now, I'm sure there have been other times when I got mad, but what happened next was pretty great.
Somehow, *I* got in front of *them* in the drive up.
Karma, right?
Yeah, it made me giggle.
And then I paid for their lunch.
They stopped me from leaving the driveway and thanked me profusely for making their day.
I could have held onto the bad feelings from being cut off, or called them names, or whatever. But doing a little service for those girls helped me let go of how I was feeling right then, and it made their day, too. Because, let's face it, pretty much every driver has cut somebody off before, and it's not always intentional. Sometimes we don't know we've done it, just like sometimes we don't know we're mean or how someone else has perceived our words or actions. Taking a few dollars and helping a couple of other people that day really changed my perspective.
Sometimes, I get it right, too.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Own your own issues
One of the things my therapist and I have been working on for several months is the fact that I often feel responsible for other people's problems and issues and what they do and what they don't do and how they feel and react to things ... you get the idea.
The thing is, none of that is anything I can control, and none of it really has anything to do with me. The only things I can actually control are how I allow other people to treat me, as well as how I act and react to them. I can control how I treat other people, but not how, if, or when they respond to me.
I have decided I am done owning other people's shit.
I don't even know how many people are actually going to read this, because as part of owning my own shit, I've left facebook. I spend far too much time there. My husband and children need me more than facebook does. My schooling should come before facebook does. So should housework, weeding my garden, knitting, sewing, and doing other things that bring me pleasure and relaxation.
Social media is great, within reason. But things get misconstrued and people take offense where none was meant, and give offense deliberately when they wouldn't say those same things directly to someone's face. And you know what? I'm done with the drama. And trolls.
This has nothing to do with any one particular person or situation. I've been saying for months I was going to leave facebook but have not done so. Until now.
Since I already deactivated my account, I won't be linking this blog post to my friends list. I won't be checking to see how many views I've had. Comments, should there be any, will still come to my email, and I will reply to them. If you would like to keep in contact and don't know how to get in touch with me off of facebook or my blog, let me know in a comment. I may post again eventually, and I will go back to facebook periodically for a couple of support groups. But I'm taking a step away from social media.
All the best.
Esther
The thing is, none of that is anything I can control, and none of it really has anything to do with me. The only things I can actually control are how I allow other people to treat me, as well as how I act and react to them. I can control how I treat other people, but not how, if, or when they respond to me.
I have decided I am done owning other people's shit.
I don't even know how many people are actually going to read this, because as part of owning my own shit, I've left facebook. I spend far too much time there. My husband and children need me more than facebook does. My schooling should come before facebook does. So should housework, weeding my garden, knitting, sewing, and doing other things that bring me pleasure and relaxation.
Social media is great, within reason. But things get misconstrued and people take offense where none was meant, and give offense deliberately when they wouldn't say those same things directly to someone's face. And you know what? I'm done with the drama. And trolls.
This has nothing to do with any one particular person or situation. I've been saying for months I was going to leave facebook but have not done so. Until now.
Since I already deactivated my account, I won't be linking this blog post to my friends list. I won't be checking to see how many views I've had. Comments, should there be any, will still come to my email, and I will reply to them. If you would like to keep in contact and don't know how to get in touch with me off of facebook or my blog, let me know in a comment. I may post again eventually, and I will go back to facebook periodically for a couple of support groups. But I'm taking a step away from social media.
All the best.
Esther
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Reality versus Expectations
Months and months ago, I went to my wonderful therapist in tears and told her I hate my body. And I meant it. We had a long talk about why I would hate a body that grew and nourished 4 beautiful children, that had been through so many stressors (emotional, mental, and physical), and still managed to be OK ... and one that my husband found sexy. And we also talked about where my reality was at the time, versus what my expectations were. And she told me this key:
The gap between reality and expectations is where we hurt.
My reality is that I am a large person. My expectation at the time was that I should be small, because that is what society tells us we should be.
My reality at the time was that my baby was very young (and still is). My expectation was that I should be at the gym XX hours a day, eating fewer and fewer calories, and dropping the weight to make other people happy.
In the months since then, I've discovered that she was absolutely right. The gap between being large and wanting to be small made me hurt. The gap between having just had a baby and expecting myself to lose all this weight made me hurt.
My reality at this moment is that I am a larger person and I am strong. I love myself and my body, and I'm so thankful my body is making food for my baby and is capable of lifting heavy things. Physiologically, as a nursing mother, I may not be able to lose much fat at all right now because my body is producing hormones to protect my fat stores to make sure there will be enough food for my infant, and I'm perfectly OK with that. FINALLY. Aligning my expectation in this moment with my reality in this moment has helped me immensely.
It applies to more than just body expectations, however.
Disney and the media have set us up to believe that true love is a movie. The guy is fabulously wealthy, gorgeous, and perfect, and the girl has a problem that only he can solve, she is a size zero and perfect in every way. Sure they have fights, but all of that stops once the "I do's" are said because they live happily ever after. That is an extremely flawed, ludicrous expectation, and far too many of us have bought into it.
The gap between reality and expectations is where we hurt.
We are all human. We all have struggles. Most of the women in the world are not going to end up with a prince who can solve their problems and grant their every wish or whim. And the men of the world aren't going to get the size zero sexpot. And no one is suddenly going turn into what their partners want simply because they fell in love. They still get to be human, too, and shouldn't we love our partners for who they are, not what we want them to be? There is a tremendous amount of hurt between reality (being human) and the movie fantasy expectation. However, just because that picture perfect expectation is not attainable doesn't mean we can't be happy in the reality and find romance in the real world.
My husband has bipolar disorder. He has moments where he is not the functional, reasonable, wonderful human being with whom I fell in love. That is the reality. My expectation that he not go through those bad parts of his cycle caused pain for both of us -- wasn't fair to him and hurt us both. Those parts of his bipolar cycle are still going to happen. We both have to come up with solutions and coping skills for those moments, because they will happen. And we are all in therapy to figure this out together. Most of the time, he is a good father, a good husband, and does his very best to make sure we are taken care of, even now while he is unemployed. If I'm sick, he tucks me in to bed and cares for our children so I can rest. I feel safe and at home when he holds me in his arms, even if we've just had an epic fight. And our romantic, unromantic, day to day reality is one that I now understand, accept, and love.
Some people may accuse me of settling, but that's also not true. I did that once, a long time ago. That reality was hell on Earth, and when I escaped, my expectation was that I would never be hurt again and that I'd never be vulnerable again. First, I'm still grateful I got out of that marriage when I did. But that unrealistic expectation sure led to some colossal emotional trauma.
One more time: The gap between reality and expectations is where we hurt.
If you're hurting, figure out where that gap is and try to understand why it is there. Are your expectations truly realistic? Does your spouse really ignore everything you say or is there something you've been missing? If the way they express their love for you is different than what you've imagined it should be, can you align your expectation to be the reality you are in? If you're hungry for attention, in your desperation, are you pushing away the very people who want to give attention to you? And if your expectations of yourself in this moment are unrealistic, what is the reality you are trying to avoid and why?
It's not about selling yourself short or settling for less than you deserve. It's understanding that this is the life you have chosen and you have chosen it for a reason. Why make yourself miserable wishing it's something it's not and likely won't ever be? When you stop comparing your outtakes to the highlight reel of Hollywood, you'll probably find that your reality isn't so bad after all.
The gap between reality and expectations is where we hurt.
My reality is that I am a large person. My expectation at the time was that I should be small, because that is what society tells us we should be.
My reality at the time was that my baby was very young (and still is). My expectation was that I should be at the gym XX hours a day, eating fewer and fewer calories, and dropping the weight to make other people happy.
In the months since then, I've discovered that she was absolutely right. The gap between being large and wanting to be small made me hurt. The gap between having just had a baby and expecting myself to lose all this weight made me hurt.
My reality at this moment is that I am a larger person and I am strong. I love myself and my body, and I'm so thankful my body is making food for my baby and is capable of lifting heavy things. Physiologically, as a nursing mother, I may not be able to lose much fat at all right now because my body is producing hormones to protect my fat stores to make sure there will be enough food for my infant, and I'm perfectly OK with that. FINALLY. Aligning my expectation in this moment with my reality in this moment has helped me immensely.
It applies to more than just body expectations, however.
Disney and the media have set us up to believe that true love is a movie. The guy is fabulously wealthy, gorgeous, and perfect, and the girl has a problem that only he can solve, she is a size zero and perfect in every way. Sure they have fights, but all of that stops once the "I do's" are said because they live happily ever after. That is an extremely flawed, ludicrous expectation, and far too many of us have bought into it.
The gap between reality and expectations is where we hurt.
We are all human. We all have struggles. Most of the women in the world are not going to end up with a prince who can solve their problems and grant their every wish or whim. And the men of the world aren't going to get the size zero sexpot. And no one is suddenly going turn into what their partners want simply because they fell in love. They still get to be human, too, and shouldn't we love our partners for who they are, not what we want them to be? There is a tremendous amount of hurt between reality (being human) and the movie fantasy expectation. However, just because that picture perfect expectation is not attainable doesn't mean we can't be happy in the reality and find romance in the real world.
My husband has bipolar disorder. He has moments where he is not the functional, reasonable, wonderful human being with whom I fell in love. That is the reality. My expectation that he not go through those bad parts of his cycle caused pain for both of us -- wasn't fair to him and hurt us both. Those parts of his bipolar cycle are still going to happen. We both have to come up with solutions and coping skills for those moments, because they will happen. And we are all in therapy to figure this out together. Most of the time, he is a good father, a good husband, and does his very best to make sure we are taken care of, even now while he is unemployed. If I'm sick, he tucks me in to bed and cares for our children so I can rest. I feel safe and at home when he holds me in his arms, even if we've just had an epic fight. And our romantic, unromantic, day to day reality is one that I now understand, accept, and love.
Some people may accuse me of settling, but that's also not true. I did that once, a long time ago. That reality was hell on Earth, and when I escaped, my expectation was that I would never be hurt again and that I'd never be vulnerable again. First, I'm still grateful I got out of that marriage when I did. But that unrealistic expectation sure led to some colossal emotional trauma.
One more time: The gap between reality and expectations is where we hurt.
If you're hurting, figure out where that gap is and try to understand why it is there. Are your expectations truly realistic? Does your spouse really ignore everything you say or is there something you've been missing? If the way they express their love for you is different than what you've imagined it should be, can you align your expectation to be the reality you are in? If you're hungry for attention, in your desperation, are you pushing away the very people who want to give attention to you? And if your expectations of yourself in this moment are unrealistic, what is the reality you are trying to avoid and why?
It's not about selling yourself short or settling for less than you deserve. It's understanding that this is the life you have chosen and you have chosen it for a reason. Why make yourself miserable wishing it's something it's not and likely won't ever be? When you stop comparing your outtakes to the highlight reel of Hollywood, you'll probably find that your reality isn't so bad after all.
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