Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Finding My Voice

Sometime in our early marriage, for God knows what reason, I bought in to my husband's idea that I was responsible for everything -- keeping him happy, keeping him from being triggered, not pushing him to help around the house (even though he happily did while we were dating), not pushing him to parent ...

In the last few months, I've stood against all of that and said, "No more."  I'm not living in toxic bullshit anymore.  I'm moving forward, and I'm choosing healthy relationships.  He can choose to change and come along for the ride, or he can get the hell out of my way.  We've been seeing a marriage counselor and he's actually hearing me say, "I'm not OK with you trashing me.  It's abuse."  He's done some work that I never thought he'd do, and that's pretty amazing.  So is standing up for myself and saying, "This situation is making me feel unsafe emotionally," and having him understand that and back off.

The kids started therapy a few weeks ago.  I'm hoping it helps them, but it's really too soon to tell.  They do all look forward to going though.

A healthy relationship with myself is part of all of this change.  I've been sabotaging my own health with over eating, eating things that I know make me feel yucky even if my taste buds like them, and not exercising a whole lot.  I had been doing yoga every day, and then I stopped. 

So Monday, I did a little yoga.  And as I caught up on some homework yesterday, I decided that enough is enough.  Today, I woke up and put on my exercise clothes, came into my office and worked out.  It's 5:30 a.m. and I feel pretty good, if a bit sweaty and tired.  Time to catch up on some work and get ready for the day!

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