I knew without a doubt when we got married that it was the right thing to do.
I have been wondering why? a lot lately, and throughout the marriage. I may not ever learn the answer to that in this life, and that's something I'm learning to make peace with.
The bishop instructed me to ask, instead, "What's next?"
When I sincerely asked that question, I knew I needed to file for divorce and find a new job with more consistency and flexibility than I currently have.
Both of those things have been done.
Last night, he came over to visit with the kids. He brought his sister to help me feel comfortable that he wouldn't be alone with them and I didn't have to stay in the same room (though I did for much of the time).
He was reasonable and kind and loving to the children, spending time with them without screens and enjoying the time he had with them.
Again, I asked WHY?
He also mentioned to me that I had been a good wife and he was sorry he didn't appreciate me, among several other things. We had a conversation that couldn't have happened weeks ago, but needed to have happened a very long time ago.
WHY?
Why did it take me filing for divorce for him to wake up and get to this point where he realizes he's losing everything? WHY did it take so long for me to grow some cojones and deal with this? Why is he now being decent, and will that change in the next few weeks?
I'm reminding myself to ask, "What's next?"
Next, I start my new job, I start grad school (that's been in the plans for months now), and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I say prayers of gratitude for the good people in my life who are striving to lift us up. I keep working on the papers and keep communication lines open so the kids can call and see their dad. I continue to love my babies, to be the woman of integrity I know I am, and make sure I'm involving God in what I do from day to day.
Right now, that also means I need to go make dinner.
1 comment:
:)
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