With Moe's increasing mental instability, I changed jobs 6 months ago at his request. I'm thankful for that, because I've come to love this new job and have learned a lot. In that time, I've made friends with two other nurses whose husbands have committed suicide, bringing the total friends I have who have lost husbands this way to three. All nurses. They have been wonderful supports to me in the last few weeks.
I've been pretty angry tonight, as I found out he likely made another attempt on Sunday, had emergency surgery, and has been in the hospital again. Don't get me wrong; I'm SO glad he's getting some help. I just wish he would have sought help before he got to this point, before WE got to this point where I am choosing not to be married to him anymore. Because this whole last year has been absolutely about his choice not to treat his mental illness.
When we got married almost 12 years ago, I absolutely knew it was right that we get married. I've been wondering why a lot now, because I'm about to go through another divorce and the marriage itself has been so much less than wonderful most of the time.
I do still love him, but I'm no longer in love with him. I miss him, and yet I'm so thankful for the peace in my home now. I'm thankful that I can snuggle my children without worrying about his reaction to "coddling" them. I'm thankful that, even though single parenting is not easy, it is easier than fighting with a toxic partner constantly. I'm thankful that my children, all of them, are wonderful human beings despite all they have gone through with their dad.
I will state that, no, I do not want a divorce. I am choosing a divorce because I am choosing to put myself and my children before misery.
No comments:
Post a Comment