Bringing the Spirit

The first three months of the year, I was working on reading the scriptures every day before my yoga practice.  It brought a measure of peace that I'd forgotten.

As things spiraled out of control with Moe more and more over the last couple of months, I let go of both of those habits.

This last weekend, I started a new goal:  Five chapters in the Book of Mormon every day.  I've been journaling on what I'm reading and remembering and researching, and it's helped answer some questions I've had for a long time.

With the instruction to myself to be the mom I want to be, I started reflecting on things I did when Lark was small that gave us the close bond we have.  Singing nightly, going to church, being open to discussions even when I'm tired, and many more memories have started flooding back.  I also worked split shifts (half while she was at school and half after she went to bed) so I could be there with her more of the time.

It's interesting to note that, when we were engaged, Moe enjoyed hearing me sing hymns to her at night, and he loved that I worked like that so I could be a better mom.

Due to the bedroom remodel, the kids' mattresses are all on the living room floor.  I've been tucking them in and singing hymns until Ben goes to sleep.  It makes for an incredibly peaceful bedtime, all things considered.

We're being blessed, even in the midst of this trial:  The kids and Moe were super sick last month and I didn't get it (meaning I could still work), some cute friends are helping with child care so Ben can finish out his year at preschool, and I have leads on two new, more consistent and also more flexible jobs.  I'll be interviewing this week. I'm also thankful for my friends in that "weird little club" who lost spouses to suicide, for their insights and wisdom, and feel very blessed to have met these amazing women, who have been supportive of the decisions I've made to keep myself and my children safe.

This is obviously not what I wanted for our marriage when we began, but it is where we are.  And it sucks balls, but the kids and I will get through it.  I'm not so sure about Moe, but I don't have control over his choices.  Only he does, and he gets to be responsible for them.  Thank God.