It's not a happy thing

To be forced to see yourself in someone else's eyes.

I'm talking literal here, not figurative.

At WGU, you take tests at home with online proctoring via a webcam, OR you can go to one of their approved testing sites and take it there.

I did mine last night via webcam.  (that sounds slightly dirty.)

As I was setting up the camera, I kept thinking, "Do I really have that many chins?  That many rolls?  When did my belly get THAT big?  Who is that fat woman sitting in my chair?"  I mean, I know it's me, it's my face, but I had somehow managed to convince myself that it wasn't that bad.  That I wasn't that big.  That I'm not the fat woman sitting in my chair.  Living my life.

I guess the good news is that I'm more aware of myself now.  I'd started to track my calories and have been trying to exercise and cutting out junk.  I didn't manage to exercise yesterday, but I'm not beating myself up for that.  Just moving on today.

When I went back to livestrong on Sunday, they redid my estimated caloric intake and it's  no surprise why I wasn't losing before -- the calories I was supposed to be consuming were 550 over what livestrong says now.

As of this morning, I've lost 5 pounds since Monday.

5 of the 8 I put on since last December.

That gain is not really surprising either.

What IS surprising is that I'm still going over those calories and still losing weight.  I've been working on it more every day and yesterday I was close.  And I wasn't super hungry at all.  Which also surprises me.

I do deserve to feel better about myself and be the woman I know is hiding under all this flab.  I now have a buddy to report to (though I've slacked on that too, grrr).  I'm taking this a day at a time and being patient with myself.  And by next term's first final, I won't have quite so many rolls or chins when I go to plug in that camera.