Monday, November 29, 2010

Different Perspective

So I get to the gym tonight and Carlos, my cute trainer, is there in short shorts. Not like 1980s basketball shorts. But mid thigh.

It's 27 degrees outside and the back door of the gym is open.

Carlos is not a big guy, but he is toned and buff. He's probably 5 feet 4 inches and has a very low percentage of body fat, so he doesn't have padding to keep him warm (unlike me, haha). He also has spiky hair and earrings. (Blast. I just remembered I forgot to sneak a picture of him! LOL.)

About 15 minutes into my workout, he went and got a jacket on because he was cold. A few minutes later, he had to go in front of that open back door, looking for a mat for me. He came back out of the dark recesses of the breezeway shivering harder and said, "Man, everyone is looking at me because I'm wearing these shorts!"

I said something about with those short shorts in this weather, he would have to be cold. He said, "Well, I have to show off my legs!" Which made me laugh and I said, "True, when you have nice legs, you show them off." "Especially when you have quads like mine!" hahaha. He made me laugh.

But before we got into the discussion about legs, I said something else that I decided I should share here. I said to Carlos, "I figured they were all staring at me because I'm so fat." He seemed surprised that I would think that everyone was watching me for that reason, and I was surprised there was a different reason anyone would be watching me work out.

Here's the thing. When I first started going to the gym last fall/winter, I was extremely self conscious about it and hesitated to go. It was very difficult to push myself out of that comfort zone and I had anxiety over it. I also had a deserve issue of whether I "deserved" to be at the gym or not because of my size. And I worried about what everyone else thought of me when I was there, or that the pretty people would think I didn't deserve to be there.

Since the second night back at the gym after the move, I haven't worried so much about what everyone else thinks of me. Or at least I thought I didn't. Until Carlos mentioned everyone staring at HIM.

It bothers me that I would care what any of them think -- I don't know any of them. Plus it's not THEIR health or body at risk, so their opinion shouldn't matter a bit. The only thing that matters is MY motivation, MY determination, and MY opinion of myself, and my family's support (because honestly if The Rock and Runner Girl didn't support and help me with the littles while I'm at the gym, I wouldn't be able to get it done).

So, here I am at home with noodles for arms after killing it at the gym. I am going to take a hot shower and cut out fabric for Christmas presents. And I'll eat well tomorrow, then go back to the gym and tear it up on cardio, even if I have to use 3 different machines to get through an hour of it. And the hell with what anyone else might think or strange looks people give me when I go in.

They're probably looking at Carlos anyway.


kadyb said...

Besides which, they're mostly all worried about what they look like and what other people are thinking about them, so they're really barely looking at you. :) People are really pretty self-involved most of the time. Don't stress. Love you - keep up the good work.

oh just ehu. said...

Eeek, the noodles for arms part is my LEAST favorite part of going to the gym.

Who the hell cares what they think?!? Life's way too short to worry about what others think....most especially strangers.

Jessica G. said...

I totally know what you mean about people watching you and not feeling like you "deserve" to be there. I've felt that way.
My book group read Running With Angels, about a woman who has several tragedies and gains a horrifying amount of weight. She talks about people constantly judging her. No one in my book group believed that, thought she had to be a little paranoid to feel that way. This was coming from women who had been slender their whole lives. I gave them a little perspective from the fluffier side of things.