Sunday, June 30, 2013

"It's really going to be OK."

I don't know if I can really convey how much stress we've been under this last year.  With me in school, buying a house, moving while pregnant, legal issues, having a preemie baby, baby and mommy almost dying in delivery, The Rock nearly dying as well, and then the other 4 kids ... Plus The Rock having issues at work since he got back from LOA ... car problems, money issues, stuff wrong with our house ... well ... Things have been pretty raw and close to the surface and I just get angry a lot and have withdrawn from a lot of things and people.

While in physiology, I literally did not take any time out for myself.  I did not have time to take care of me, or so I thought.  We were on the go almost all day, every single day, and I studied whenever I could, taking 6 exams in 7 weeks.  I did manage to get an A, but we were all worn out and just done by the time I took the final last Tuesday.  So, when The Rock said he was going to hang out with the guys tonight, I said, "OK!  I'm going to watch a movie that's going to make me cry in a good way," because he told me recently I needed to.  He listens to my therapist (who has been on hiatus since before physio started).

I got the kids all ready for church today and went, and I didn't get to hear speakers or lessons or anything.  But I was there.  They were there.  It was a challenge, but we managed.  Came home and napped with Bean, made dinner and then cookies for The Rock to take to game night, and took some time to watch a couple of movies and crochet.

The second movie is a couple years old and is called "A Little Bit of Heaven".  Now, I'm not recommending you all go watch it because there is language and some other stuff in it.  However, it was the perfect movie for me tonight.

The main character, Marley, is in her late 20s/early 30s and discovers she has stage IV colon cancer.  (Incidentally, I've known two young women learn they have colon/rectal cancer in their mid 30s and die in the last year, and my dad's cousin also recently died from it.  It is utterly devastating.  But that's not what I'm writing about tonight.)

Anyway.  During the course of the movie, she passes through several stages of grief, faces God, learns to love, forgives her parents, and really becomes at peace with dying.

The relevant thing to me is that somewhere along her journey, I wasn't paying as much attention to the movie and was focused on counting stitches for a minute or two.  Then, out of nowhere, I just felt arms wrap around me, a kiss on the forehead, and felt so comforted.  I heard, "It's really going to be OK," and just felt the overwhelming love my Father in Heaven has for me as his daughter.

Sometimes God uses the most unexpected things to just let you know that you really are going to be OK. I never would have expected Him to use that movie to make me feel SO much better about life in general, but our current circumstances in particular.  It had nothing to do with the struggles of the main character or the cancer or her friends' and family's difficulties.  It was just an incredible moment, just for me, that I hadn't been open to feeling until I sat down and just rested my mind so I could let Him ease my heart.

It's a lesson to remember while I continue my schooling, because I'm going to often feel like I don't have time for me.  But if I don't take that time and don't rest my mind and body, I cannot feel the Spirit and am preventing myself from being comforted and loved by my Father in Heaven.  He's still doing His job.  I have to do my part, too, so I can be open to receiving His gifts.

I feel at peace again, and it's been a while since I felt that.  And I'm thankful.


SRA said...

That's fantastic. Sacred. Good for you.

CJ Smith said...

Honeybunch...I sure love you. Your drive to achieve, and at the same time raise a great family is such a terrific example to me. You don't let life's struggles KEEP you down. You fight back, and then rise above.

Thanks for sharing your blog with me!